If being callous at times can protect me from feeling unhappy/upset then perhaps this may be better in the long run. Is it healthy to be heartless? No of course not i say,but where can i hide when i need to find comfort/solace and yet can't seem to find it in the midst of company?im not alone and yet lonely,its hard to put all my thoughts solely into words no matter how much i try..feels like no one is listening to me/understands me..i have no one for me to vent my frustration but yet am often at the receiving end of others' frustration,argh d ironies of life..i bade goodbye to the dreams of a cinderella ending long ago i guess when certain choices i made were not supported but yet i stubbornly refused to budge..

people say "u should do this,u should do that! why did u choose this path?"but that's cos they dun understand my logic,i can accept that grudgingly..but even when my loved ones think that of me then it truly baffles & throws me off balance to say the least..yeah i gotta give in,it's always me at fault,im always the one giving in..sometimes im really fedup with society cos they expect u to act a certain way and when u deviate from the norm, well wishers will give u all the penny's worth of their ideas..not caring if u like it anot..why don't others try to listen to me instead?why???!!!

i often wished i never existed in this world,but that would make me at fault cos indirectly im blaming my parents..hah,it's so hard to be the good girl and well liked all at once..

unspoken thoughts,mean to be etched only in memory..and nothing more..

i have not written here for a long time..it seem aeons ago since i last penned down my thoughts here..but well,im still working and hating it as usual..haha..don't really know if i should vent my frustration here about work..but if i am gonna do that,where's the starting point? hmm..i often wonder and am still wondering about why i am such a misfit in the corporate world?is it cos im too hot tempered,immature,kind or stupid?others seem to be making use of me all the time,when all im doing is rendering them the help that they need.but yet they act all high and mighty in front of me when they think they have learnt everything..i know nothing is fair in this world,but why do i always have to be the unlucky one?why must i smile/grin and bear all the injustice in silence?everyone tells me "you have to just forget what you have suffered and blah blah blah.."it's like i keep having to swallow my feelings and thoughts and just smile though i don't wanna do it..i am becoming "fake",turning into this "monster" that smiles but does not mean it/means it..who knows?i can't really tell the difference anyway..

i hate complaining about everything and anything, and true to god i already tried tolerating everything (including any unhappiness) that i feel...but why?why is that a never ending cycle?must i always be on the receiving end of such matters?i feel tired,sick but yet what am i to do if not continue working in the same line where i was previously trained to handle?some say im too worried over nothing and look too much and too fast into the future..but isn't it better to be long-sighted when it comes to one's future?????????seriously i keep thinking about what lies ahead,but the "light at the end of the tunnel" phrase just doesn't gel itself with my thinking..am i being pig-headed?honestly im not sure..to be fair there are moments of happiness in my life,but they often seem insignificant and are quickly overshadowed by a greater overwhelming sense of helplessness and sadness..

but the saddest part of all is that i never seem to be able to find someone who can identify totally with what i think..or maybe i was never right in the first place?...

when a confused soul tries to seek the meaning of life and her place in society,things just deteriorate and go downhill..my fairyland is beckoning me again now..adios dear god and i wish that things would only change for the better,someday perhaps??